What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 01:05
But ive been too sick for many years..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
If you get a chance to have sex with either Kajal Agarwal or Samantha, who would you choose and why?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She wouldn,t have been !
I will be 64.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
How do I become an intelligent man?
We were not on the streets..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I write beautiful poetry .
I was scared of men, in general
What type of fish is best for fish tacos?
It was going to be , some day.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Do women like watching men sucking men?
She was in good health!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Is it possible to permanently quit pornography?
My family never makes their pension either.
I waited trembling.
Especially a lifetime of it.
What is the happy reality of our generation?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She found it foreign!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He resisted the act ,that day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He knew the spot.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Would this be the day?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Who then, do I blame.?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was 9 years of age.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ive learnt so much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And i lived it daily.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One cannot live in the past .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I have no regrets .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Comes on , in middle age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But it wasn’t much.
So, i spoilt her more .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was very sick at this time too.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We all went to grammer schools
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She married twice! .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So whats the point in blame.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My life is so biszare .
This is soul school!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Put me off passion for life!!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
What did i know ?
Im still living with it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But, we were locked up after school.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
When she asked me how she looked .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I said to her
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
All the time i was locked up.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I don,t even have a pension.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I think the readers, may guess!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She loved him until the end.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)